I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I feel like I’m lacking something because I don’t have someone in my life.
Ever since he left me, I’ve been trying to replace him.
It’s led me to meet many men.
Some good. Some not so good.
But none quite good enough.
And I wonder why I still keep searching.
Why can’t I just be content to be on my own.
The quote summed it up for me.
I need someone to pour myself into.
” Sometimes, I sit alone under the stars
and think of the galaxies inside my
heart, and truly wonder if anyone will
ever want to make sense of all that
I am.”Christopher Poindexter
It’s been a while since I posted…I was trying to get on with life instead of talking about it, instead of thinking about it.
I was trying to get over him by getting to know someone new.
Someone I met online.
We started to talk on the phone.
We were getting along fine.
I began to think I might possibly have met someone I like.
I hadn’t seen him because of his reluctance to share his picture or meet for a coffee.
I insisted.
He relented.
Said he would send a picture but explained before sending it that there was something wrong.
That he was partially sighted.
That was okay with me. I could live with that.
He tried to explain that it was more than that.
I couldn’t visualise it.
So he sent it.
And that’s when it all went wrong.
He has neurofibromatosis.
I feel so shallow.
But I couldn’t see myself with him.
So we’re no longer speaking.
I feel sad for myself. I feel sad for him.
I don’t like who I’ve become.
Ever since I was so unceremoniously dumped, I’m just miserable.
I know I’m miserable and I try not to be but I just can’t seem to shake it off.
I don’t know if it’s just an extended period of mourning the death of a relationship that was so important to me or if it’s something bigger.
This isn’t who I used to be.
I used to smile.
I used to laugh.
I could experience sadness or hurt and yes, I’d feel bad for a while but then I’d get past it.
I remember being so optimistic about life. I always used to believe that everything would be okay in the end.
Now I feel like I’m walking around with a permanent cloud hanging over me.
I manage to snap myself out of it but those moments are fleeting.
I go right back to that place where I feel like I’ll never really be happy again.
I wonder why I’m like this when I have so much to be grateful for.
I just wish I could find the old me.
It’s now been over 2 months.
2 months.
I had held on to the vain hope that he would experience an epiphany and realise he had made a huge mistake.
That I was the one for him.
That I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The one he wanted to grow old with.
But that hasn’t happened.
That will never happen.
I know this and yet I can’t let go.
I still think about him every day. I still want to see him. Talk to him.
I can’t seem to move on.
I want to. I desperately want to.
I’m dating people hoping that I’ll meet someone who’ll be a perfect distraction. Maybe I’ll even fall in love.
But all I do is compare. Which I know is completely unfair.
And stupid actually. Really, really stupid because he was a total and utter arse to me.
I wish I could hate him. I want to feel hate for him because maybe I’d finally stop feeling love for him.
“Fall in love when you’re ready. Not when you’re lonely”
The last couple of weeks have been a bit crazy.
I met a man. I went on 2 dates. It became too serious too fast.
Admittedly, this was my doing as I’d told him I’d been messed around by someone (that someone being the ‘inspiration’ for this blog and all of my lamentations) and I wasn’t looking to be treated that way again.
He took this on board and decided to show his commitment.
It was too much so I broke things off on Tuesday.
I feel a little regret but I’m not upset.
Not in the way I have been where I’ve felt like my whole world has crashed around me.
I’m not upset as I pursued this because I was lonely. Because I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to fall in love.
But how can you fall in love with someone new when you’ve not yet fallen out of love with someone old.
“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with”
Candace Bushnell
And still it goes on….
When will I wake up and not think of him?
I still miss him
I still want to be with him
I still love him
But nothing has changed.
My resolve not to make contact crumbled 2 weeks ago and I send him a message.
I shouldn’t have because the reply was disappointing.
So in the last couple of weeks I made a concerted effort to meet other people in the hope that I would be distracted and, perhaps, I’d find someone who I might potentially like.
I’ve come to the conclusion that most men are arses. They lie. They tell you half truths. Just to get what they want.
I just seem to attract these men.
I’m told by my friends that I’m too nice. Too naïve.
I don’t know that wanting to see the best in people is naïve. Or wrong.
But maybe it is.
Maybe men don’t want nice.
Maybe it’s not just nice guys who finish last.
….and begged me not to leave
Let’s play a game. I’ll give you a phrase and you complete it with the first thought that enters your mind. The first thought! I believe you if you say you did, we can all be comfortable with the honour system. Post your reply to your blog and link it here, that way it might spread. One phrase every Thursday.
Today’s phrase is….
“She held my hand in hers… ”
My reply,” to hand me a knife, blade inwards.”
Go!
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.”
Gilda Radner
Pride and self-respect.
Things I’ve been thinking about quite a bit lately.
Why?
Because I want to call him, talk to him, see him.
But my pride says I shouldn’t.
That if I have any self-respect I will stay away.
Should pride and self-respect supersede love?
Should I not make a last ditch attempt, futile as it may be.
I’m torn.
“Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more, Men were deceivers ever,- One foot in sea and one on shore, To one thing constant never.”
William Shakespeare
I feel like I’m becoming someone I don’t like.
Pathetic. Self pitying. Depressed.
I don’t know why this break up has affected me so much.
I don’t know why I’m letting it affect me so much.
Maybe it’s because of where I am in my life.
Maybe it’s because I had such high hopes for us.
Maybe it’s because I love him too much.
Can you love someone too much? How is that possible.
Love should be abundant, it should be given generously.
But if that love is unwanted, then perhaps it can be too much.
People do not lack strength, they lack will”
Victor Hugo
I’m willing myself not to contact him as much as I want to.
I desperately want to.
I don’t know why the urge to do that is so strong today.
There hasn’t been anything significantly different today that would make me want to.
All I know is I’m missing him. It’s painful how much my heart aches right now.
And so I’m pouring my thoughts out here hoping that getting all my emotions out will help dull the ache a little and I’ll not make a pathetic fool of myself by reaching out to him only to be met, yet again, with stony silence or cold indifference.
When will I get over this.
When will I wake up and feel happy.
I feel like I’m in this endless downward spiral.
I wish I could hate him, be angry at him. I thought I would by now but there’s nothing.
Nothing but endless regret over what could have been.
mangosarenottheonlyfruit 